Sleeping in Heavenly Peace

Athens friends... steel yourselves.  What you're about to read is going to make you gasp.

Athenians get an education the second they drive through Normaltown and see the parents with babies strapped to their chests, toddlers in tow with lunch boxes filled with organic kale chips, stopping to breast feed both the three month olds and the four year olds.  The community board at Earthfare is plastered with Mommy & Me Yoga classes, natural birth doula recommendations, baby sign language meet ups, Italian immersion play dates (no really, it's a thing), and the La Leche League dates and times.  I have a secret.  I wear Ezra only occasionally--like when I need to blow dry my hair or mop--and neither of us care much for it.  I hate kale chips.  We've officially given up on breast feeding.  I sometimes buy chocolate croissants from Earthfare.  I can touch my toes and that's as much yoga as I care to do, I had a very medicated birth from jump, I don't speak Italian or care much about learning sign language, and the La Leche League's name alone frightens me.  The real secret: I am not an attachment parent.  In fact, I am kind of the opposite of an attachment parent.  Here's the doozy--are you ready?  We started sleep training Ezra at 3 weeks.  I know.  I know.  I am a disgrace to Athenians.

The story actually starts with my girlfriend, Lindsey.  We reunited at our 10 year high school reunion.  I was 6 months pregnant and her youngest of three was somewhere passed the 1 year mark.  She took one look at my belly and said, "You need to read Baby Wise."  It was the first time I had heard the phrase "sleep training."  I scoffed and I actually said, "No, no.  I plan on following a more attachment method."  And she wafted me away.  When I got home, I told my friend, "This crazy girl at my high school reunion actually sleep trains her infants!  Have you ever heard of such a thing?"  And together we balked at the idea.

Then Ezra was born and I was a mess.  I don't know what I thought having a newborn entailed, but I clearly didn't think it through.  The first night home from the hospital, I rocked my wailing baby.  He cried, and he cried, and so did I.  As we rocked and cried together, I wondered aloud, "What have I done?"  I was tired and emotional and horribly depressed.  Something had to give.

The next day, I was browsing Facebook and stumbled upon Lindsey's blog update.  In her post, she said that her daily goal was to get to 8:01, where the kids were in bed and she could listen to the air conditioner cooling her home.  While very funny--it also gave me hope.  I read her blog, All Things Babywise from finish to start and admitted defeat.  Attachment parenting, what?  Lindsey, if you're reading this, I was wrong, wrong, wrong.  Of course she knows this already as I have annoyed her to no end.  I am so grateful to her for being a constant ear and a wonderful, supportive friend during one of the hardest times of my life.  Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself.

I bought the Baby Wise book on iTunes and read it on my phone during my 10:00 p.m., 12:00 a.m., 2:00 a.m., 4:00 a.m., 6:00 a.m., and 8:00 a.m. feedings.  Then I reread Lindsey's blog.  And then my husband bought Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, and I read that.  And then I harassed Lindsey.  The day Ezra turned 3 weeks, I kicked him out of my bed and into his crib.  That night, I slept like a log and he slept for 3 and a half hours consecutively for the first time ever.  I wasn't waking up to every little hiccup and he wasn't waking to my constant jostling to make sure he hadn't died of SIDS.  But then the challenging part came:  letting your baby put himself to sleep, and... gasp... cry it out.

I read lots of things online and quickly learned that this approach was horrifying to most moms.  Horrifying.  Horrifying to my closest friends and even my own mom.   Accusations on message boards fly around.  Phrases like "child abuse" and "horrible parent" and "absolutely disgusting" were very common when describing this method.  And so I weighed it.  Many of these moms so outraged and horrified by crying it out (especially as a newborn) were self proclaimed attachment parents and were probably my neighbors.  While I appreciate the thought behind the method, two days in convinced me that it wasn't for me.  I felt like an all access vending machine who was needed every second of every minute of every hour of every day and the pressure to be the perfect, always available mom was too much.  It scared me that I sympathized with moms who strapped their babies in their car seats and drove the whole family into a lake.  That I could see and understand why they would feel so much pressure (from themselves, their families, their husbands, their friends, and hell, even internet strangers!) and want to end it all.  So ultimately, I decided that I wouldn't feel an ounce of guilt when it came to sleep training my baby or acknowledging that my needs are valid and important.  If sleep would get me to a good place, then sleep is what we'd work on.  Parent led scheduling gives me the freedom to take a shower, sit down to eat, and have my selfish me time.  It also gives Ezra a predictable routine, the ability to soothe and put himself to sleep, and teaches him that sleep doesn't come attached to me.  So I trusted my instincts and did what I felt was good and right...  Hard, but right.

The next day we practiced laying down for naps awake and learning to self soothe.  It was not a success.  Ezra cried.  Jason and I stood outside the door, our hearts racing and aching.  We went in every five minutes and spoke softly and reswaddled him after he kicked his way out.  He would calm for a second and then when the door clicked closed, he would cry again and our hearts would race and ache again.  I spent the five minutes googling what a horrible mother I was.  And after an hour of five minutes in, five minutes out, I picked him up and rocked him and he fell asleep.  I Facebook chatted Lindsey and she assured me it would get easier.  The next nap was easier.  This time we left for ten minutes and after thirty minutes, he fell asleep on his own.  The next nap was bed time and he cried for four minutes and didn't require our help at all.  And the next nap he made a few noises, put his fist in his mouth, and drifted off into dreamland before I could leave the room.

At four weeks, he slept four hours.  At five weeks, he gave me five hours occasionally.  And at six weeks, we're touching six hours sometimes.  I attribute all of it to following the Babywise, Eat, Wake, Sleep routine and allowing Ezra to learn self soothing.  I'm a better mother for it, and Ezra is a much better sleeper.

That said, I definitely encountered many moms on three different internet forums who were horrified by all of it and disgusted that I would do it with a three week old.  As with my previous post about sanctimommies, there are many.  So I'll say again that I trusted my instincts.  And I'll also say that I acknowledge that it's controversial and that it's not for everyone and I was not (am not!) soliciting advice on the subject (nor am I suggesting that anyone do it for their families... you do what's right for you!).  But in the interest of being candid, I'm officially out of the closet.

So Athenians, I'm sleep training my baby and I have no regrets.  (Yet)
Judge on!

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Sleep Training Resources

On Becoming Baby Wise

Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child

Lindsey's blog, All Things Babywise

Chronicles of a Babywise Mom