Dog Guilt and Sleeping Through the Night

Ezra Grey is 2 months old.  The idea of that is unreal to me.  That my little man has been in this world for two whole months.  It feels like he's only been here a few days.  But he is wonderful and lovely and perfect.  Yesterday, he gave me the gift of sleep, by going 11.5 hours straight.  What more could a new mom ask for?

In other news, Ezra has also survived his first cold and his first round of immunizations.  The cold was passed around and we thought Ez would make it out unscathed, but just when we started to let out our sigh of relief, his nose started dripping and his voice turned raspy and my happy baby turned into an inconsolable mess who just couldn't get comfy.  As luck would have it, the doctor's office called to confirm his appointment later in the week and made room for him in their schedule when I mentioned his cold.  They gave me the go-ahead to give him Tylenol, which as it turns out, is a miracle drug for babies.  It turned my frowny, drippy baby back into the smiley, lovey, sleepy baby I once knew.  That, coupled with his new humidifier and baby Vicks made him fresh as a daisy.

By Friday, he was well enough for his immunizations.  I stood over him and held his little hand and we were playing a little cooing game.  He had a huge smile on his face when they stuck him with that awful, long needle and his sweet little smile slowly transformed into a scowl.  His little lip came out and he looked at me like I had betrayed him.  He totally thought I stuck him!  And he got two more in the other leg, which he screamed through, and they were covered with Bugs Bunny band aids.  I held him and rocked him and he arched his back as if to say, "Get off me, you mean woman!"  :(

A bottle later, he forgave me enough to let me hold him, but not enough for squeezes and kisses.  The next day, he mostly forgot about the whole thing.  Little peanut.  A friend advised that next time I turn away and after it's all done, go and pick him up--because then I'll be the savior.  Not the jerk who held him down.  Little buddy!  Lesson learned.

In other news... poor Bev.  Jason remarked the other day, "You used to tell Bev that she was an angel from God.  Now you don't even look at her."  Prior to Ezra, I worried about the introduction of a baby into the family for Bev's sake.  The books and blogs I read suggested that I prepare her by practicing ignoring her.  So sometimes I'd leave the house without saying goodbye to her.  Or I'd sit on the couch next to her without acknowledging her for a few minutes.  I laugh at myself now, thinking that's what ignoring her was. 

She used to be the apple of my eye, the love of my life.  Now I go whole days without even talking to her, weeks without touching her.  Ezra has replaced her in every way and the hardest part is that she knows it.  Sometimes I'll catch her looking at me longingly.  But then the baby will cry or the laundry will need to be put in the dryer and another day passes without giving her any love or attention.  Jason tries to fill in.  He makes a point to play with her and hug her, but it isn't enough. 

All of that is to say that I feel tremendously guilty.  I still love her but I just don't have time to love her.  I was her best friend, and I abandoned her.  I'm trying to be better, but this is definitely one part of motherhood that hasn't gotten easier with time.  I'm hoping it will in time.  And I'm hoping that as Ezra becomes more mobile and can flick food off his plate to her, they'll become best friends too.  Being a dog mom and a baby mom is a hard thing to juggle.

That's what's going on around the Vacuza homestead.  We're preparing for Thanksgiving and getting our home Christmas ready.  Hoping all of you have a lovely holiday!

Love,
Ashley

The Californian Fishes in the Athens Pond

My mother and father in law recently made their visit to Athens to meet baby Ezra.  They've been to Athens twice before, but it was so long ago, we were tourists ourselves.  Now with 6 years of Athens under our belts, we made it our mission to show these Californians what Athens is all about.  Before they came, Jason and I made mental lists (and iPhone notes) of places we knew we wanted to take them and then narrowed what would be feasible during their visit.  Most locals would probably scoff at our list, as Jason and I rarely venture downtown.  We don't like the traffic or the parking, so everywhere we planned to visit barely grazed downtown.  So Athenians--don't bark at me! 

They arrived late Thursday night via Groome transportation and due to Ezra's strict bedtime routine and a delayed airplane taxi, we didn't get a chance to see them.  But Jason went early Friday morning and met them for breakfast at their hotel.  Then they got the full UGA student experience: they hopped on the Family and Graduate Housing bus and headed to campus where they sat in on Jason's lecture.  Five years ago, Jason would have never let this happen because his nerves would be shot--but as a seasoned professor, guests are no big thing for him.  I heard he got a round of applause, too. 

Finally, they arrived to our house to meet baby Ezra.  Our parents are very different from one another and Jason and I always dreamed that Ezra would learn to laugh and cuddle from my family and learn good manners and the value of hard work from Jason's.  But when he was in their arms, both of our parents loved him the same way.  They gushed over his little toes and cooed over his beautiful eye lashes.  They both commented on what a lovely baby he was and told us how lucky we were to have such an easy going baby.  They both wanted to hold him and feed him.  And truly, they both loved him the moment they laid eyes on him.

We celebrated that love with lunch at our favorite little Mexican restaurant, La Parilla.  If there's one thing I know about the Vacuza side of the family, it's that if they could eat refried beans and tacos for every meal for the rest of their lives, they absolutely would.  So naturally, La Parilla was a hit.  In our opinion, it's the best Mexican restaurant in Athens.  We've yet to have a single poor experience.  It's quiet enough, has nice ambiance, the service is always wonderful, the lunch specials are great, and it's kid/baby friendly (a hard quality to find in a lot of Athens restaurants).  Jason always enjoys their quesadilla (he rants and raves about their gooey, melty cheese) and I usually get their lunch fajitas.  This visit did not disappoint.


My inlaws have a lovely little farm where they grow pistachios and apples and pomegranates and grapes which they sell at their local farmer's market.  So when I tried to think of experiences I'd like for them to have during their visit, the Athens Farmer's Market at Bishop Park was on the list.  Saturday was a chilly and Ezra is so hot natured, I thought it would be a good day to try out our Ergo for the first time.  So like a true Athenian, I strapped my baby to my chest and marched into the little market of local produce and wares.  We bought delicious focaccia bread and a hunk of cheese.  And for breakfast I picked up some yummy pastries.  My mother in law got to meet a local celebrity when she spotted the 3 Porch Farm folks at their booth.  She had followed their blog prior to her visit and was excited to meet them and talk farmer au farmer.  And Ezra just slept on my chest like a sweet little personal heater.  Success.


On Sunday, Jason insisted his parents get the Waffle House experience.  This greasy spoon of a restaurant is not a California find.  Which is funny, as there is one on every corner in Georgia, so we have plenty to spare.  And even though I can think of 7 Waffle Houses in a ten mile radius (no exaggeration), a new one just opened up on our side of town.  But it being Sunday, we couldn't get a seat so we had to go to a less popular one.  The experience is the same, I imagine.  Fast service from women who appear to have had very hard lives, while country music blares on the jukebox.  Greasy hash browns piled next to bacon and eggs which were cooked on the same unsanitized flat top as the eggs prepared five years ago.  You know, about what you'd expect.  Don't think about it and gobble it down. 




On Monday, we enjoyed an Athens favorite: Mama's Boy.  I'm proud to say that at one point, we were considered "regulars" by the waiters.  To even get a seat at Mama's Boy is a feat.  To be a regular is a major accomplishment.  Ezra enjoyed the geometric wallpaper and mason jar chandelier, while those with fully functioning digestive tracks enjoyed biscuits with jam and eggs and pineapple bread with caramel rum sauce and never ending cups of coffee. When we left, our bellies were full of a true taste of Athens and our fists were full of York peppermint patties. 

Jason and his dad had a few fix it projects around the house, so his mom and I took Ezra and the dogs to the dog park at Memorial Park.  I've been a few times before, but it was never as busy as it was at this visit.  There must have been 25 different dogs.  There were three giant Great Danes and an adorable little Chihuahua named Calvin.  Tammy and Beverly had a wonderful time sniffing and socializing and chasing one another.  The park is so lush and expansive with wooded area and a central mostly dusty dirty area where dogs like to chase and dig.  The best part is that the whole acre and a half fenced in so everyone stays put and dog owners can socialize instead of giving chase. 

  
For dinner, we went ate by candlelight at Big City Bread.  Known for their delicious pastries and twinkle light garden dining, Big City Bread was also voted one of the most child friendly restuarants in Athens, which is a fact I like to tell all non-locals as it seems rather surprising when you look at it.  But in the day, there are buckets of chalk and adorable elementary school art on the walls and sidewalks.  Whenever I've dined at Big City Bread for lunch on a weekend, I will almost always spot a family from my school.  Anyway!  The food was delicious and the restaurant was quiet and peaceful. 






On Tuesday, we started our morning by heading to the Georgia Museum of Art.  The feature exhibit was Emilio Pucci's fashions from the 50s and 60s.  Mannequins sported bright patterns and orbish hats and girdles with butt padding were displayed in glass showcases.  We all agreed that my sister in law, Jason's sister, would have enjoyed the exhibit.  Jason and his mom seemed to really enjoy the portraits, while his dad enjoyed the landscapes.  I've never cared for landscapes, and I like the portraits just fine, but my favorite is the collection of silver dishes.  I like the filigree and all the different place settings.  I get that from my mom, I think.

 

Bear Hollow Zoo at Memorial Park.  It was the perfect time to go.  All of the leaves were perfect shades of orange and gold and we mostly had the park to ourselves.  We saw the bears taking their naps and Dill Pickle, the alligator basking in the sun.  I didn't see my favorite little owl, Radar, but we did see a vulture, some tortoises, and the deer.  I have always felt so conflicted about zoos.  Caged animals, solely for the purpose of human entertainment doesn't sit well with me.  So I took my first tour at Bear Hollow with trepidation.  I was comforted by a guide who told me that all of the animals were rescues--that they were injured or kept illegally by residents and were unable to be released back into the wild.  That, coupled with the care and beautiful habitats make me feel good about spending my time on the trail.

My mother in law celebrated her birthday during our trip and just like her son, the perfect night consisted of pizza at home.  So we ordered pizza in and had salad and wine by candlelight, followed by a game of rummy with rules that consistently change in favor of my father in law who cleaned the floor with us. 


On Wednesday, we met for breakfast at the hotel and to say our goodbyes.  We had a lovely, packed visit and I think they got a true taste for Athens and got to spend a lot of quality time with their new grandson.  But even with the good times, it's always hard to say goodbye.  Being 2,000 miles away and months from our next visit makes the goodbyes even harder.  So we'll be counting the days until we can be together again but will be satisfied with our good memories for now.  :)

Sleeping in Heavenly Peace

Athens friends... steel yourselves.  What you're about to read is going to make you gasp.

Athenians get an education the second they drive through Normaltown and see the parents with babies strapped to their chests, toddlers in tow with lunch boxes filled with organic kale chips, stopping to breast feed both the three month olds and the four year olds.  The community board at Earthfare is plastered with Mommy & Me Yoga classes, natural birth doula recommendations, baby sign language meet ups, Italian immersion play dates (no really, it's a thing), and the La Leche League dates and times.  I have a secret.  I wear Ezra only occasionally--like when I need to blow dry my hair or mop--and neither of us care much for it.  I hate kale chips.  We've officially given up on breast feeding.  I sometimes buy chocolate croissants from Earthfare.  I can touch my toes and that's as much yoga as I care to do, I had a very medicated birth from jump, I don't speak Italian or care much about learning sign language, and the La Leche League's name alone frightens me.  The real secret: I am not an attachment parent.  In fact, I am kind of the opposite of an attachment parent.  Here's the doozy--are you ready?  We started sleep training Ezra at 3 weeks.  I know.  I know.  I am a disgrace to Athenians.

The story actually starts with my girlfriend, Lindsey.  We reunited at our 10 year high school reunion.  I was 6 months pregnant and her youngest of three was somewhere passed the 1 year mark.  She took one look at my belly and said, "You need to read Baby Wise."  It was the first time I had heard the phrase "sleep training."  I scoffed and I actually said, "No, no.  I plan on following a more attachment method."  And she wafted me away.  When I got home, I told my friend, "This crazy girl at my high school reunion actually sleep trains her infants!  Have you ever heard of such a thing?"  And together we balked at the idea.

Then Ezra was born and I was a mess.  I don't know what I thought having a newborn entailed, but I clearly didn't think it through.  The first night home from the hospital, I rocked my wailing baby.  He cried, and he cried, and so did I.  As we rocked and cried together, I wondered aloud, "What have I done?"  I was tired and emotional and horribly depressed.  Something had to give.

The next day, I was browsing Facebook and stumbled upon Lindsey's blog update.  In her post, she said that her daily goal was to get to 8:01, where the kids were in bed and she could listen to the air conditioner cooling her home.  While very funny--it also gave me hope.  I read her blog, All Things Babywise from finish to start and admitted defeat.  Attachment parenting, what?  Lindsey, if you're reading this, I was wrong, wrong, wrong.  Of course she knows this already as I have annoyed her to no end.  I am so grateful to her for being a constant ear and a wonderful, supportive friend during one of the hardest times of my life.  Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself.

I bought the Baby Wise book on iTunes and read it on my phone during my 10:00 p.m., 12:00 a.m., 2:00 a.m., 4:00 a.m., 6:00 a.m., and 8:00 a.m. feedings.  Then I reread Lindsey's blog.  And then my husband bought Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, and I read that.  And then I harassed Lindsey.  The day Ezra turned 3 weeks, I kicked him out of my bed and into his crib.  That night, I slept like a log and he slept for 3 and a half hours consecutively for the first time ever.  I wasn't waking up to every little hiccup and he wasn't waking to my constant jostling to make sure he hadn't died of SIDS.  But then the challenging part came:  letting your baby put himself to sleep, and... gasp... cry it out.

I read lots of things online and quickly learned that this approach was horrifying to most moms.  Horrifying.  Horrifying to my closest friends and even my own mom.   Accusations on message boards fly around.  Phrases like "child abuse" and "horrible parent" and "absolutely disgusting" were very common when describing this method.  And so I weighed it.  Many of these moms so outraged and horrified by crying it out (especially as a newborn) were self proclaimed attachment parents and were probably my neighbors.  While I appreciate the thought behind the method, two days in convinced me that it wasn't for me.  I felt like an all access vending machine who was needed every second of every minute of every hour of every day and the pressure to be the perfect, always available mom was too much.  It scared me that I sympathized with moms who strapped their babies in their car seats and drove the whole family into a lake.  That I could see and understand why they would feel so much pressure (from themselves, their families, their husbands, their friends, and hell, even internet strangers!) and want to end it all.  So ultimately, I decided that I wouldn't feel an ounce of guilt when it came to sleep training my baby or acknowledging that my needs are valid and important.  If sleep would get me to a good place, then sleep is what we'd work on.  Parent led scheduling gives me the freedom to take a shower, sit down to eat, and have my selfish me time.  It also gives Ezra a predictable routine, the ability to soothe and put himself to sleep, and teaches him that sleep doesn't come attached to me.  So I trusted my instincts and did what I felt was good and right...  Hard, but right.

The next day we practiced laying down for naps awake and learning to self soothe.  It was not a success.  Ezra cried.  Jason and I stood outside the door, our hearts racing and aching.  We went in every five minutes and spoke softly and reswaddled him after he kicked his way out.  He would calm for a second and then when the door clicked closed, he would cry again and our hearts would race and ache again.  I spent the five minutes googling what a horrible mother I was.  And after an hour of five minutes in, five minutes out, I picked him up and rocked him and he fell asleep.  I Facebook chatted Lindsey and she assured me it would get easier.  The next nap was easier.  This time we left for ten minutes and after thirty minutes, he fell asleep on his own.  The next nap was bed time and he cried for four minutes and didn't require our help at all.  And the next nap he made a few noises, put his fist in his mouth, and drifted off into dreamland before I could leave the room.

At four weeks, he slept four hours.  At five weeks, he gave me five hours occasionally.  And at six weeks, we're touching six hours sometimes.  I attribute all of it to following the Babywise, Eat, Wake, Sleep routine and allowing Ezra to learn self soothing.  I'm a better mother for it, and Ezra is a much better sleeper.

That said, I definitely encountered many moms on three different internet forums who were horrified by all of it and disgusted that I would do it with a three week old.  As with my previous post about sanctimommies, there are many.  So I'll say again that I trusted my instincts.  And I'll also say that I acknowledge that it's controversial and that it's not for everyone and I was not (am not!) soliciting advice on the subject (nor am I suggesting that anyone do it for their families... you do what's right for you!).  But in the interest of being candid, I'm officially out of the closet.

So Athenians, I'm sleep training my baby and I have no regrets.  (Yet)
Judge on!

____________________________
Sleep Training Resources

On Becoming Baby Wise

Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child

Lindsey's blog, All Things Babywise

Chronicles of a Babywise Mom