Things I've learned in the first month of motherhood

I often wonder how I'll look back on this first month.  Will I recall it wearing rose colored glasses?  My sleepy baby snuggled in my arms, or cooing at me from across the room, or smiling at me for the first time.  Will I think on it with a sense of dread?  My very awake baby, inconsolable and screaming at me, or that tired ache in my chest when I hear his cry at 3 a.m.?  Regardless--here are the things I've learned in the last month of my life.

Breastfeeding:
Maybe you've heard that breastfeeding is hard.  Maybe you've heard that in passing or maybe someone told you of their personal woes.  But of course you read all of the literature, took a class at the hospital, and set a plan to nurse for at least the first 12 months.  You're prepared.

What you won't be prepared for is when you are partnered with a newborn who just doesn't get it.  He won't latch or he won't suck or he will fall asleep approximately seven seconds in.  Or he'll be jaundiced or underweight and you'll have to give him a bottle and he will never even attempt to latch again.  Or you'll get a mastitis (don't google that).  Or your nipples will crack and bleed, or maybe they're flat and there's nothing to latch on to.  Or your new baby will want to scream at you for 30 minutes before every latch, and your resolve will buckle at 2:30 a.m. and both of you will just cry and cry until you finally peel back the seal on that sample can of Enfamil you got in the mail.  Or maybe you just won't enjoy it.  You just hate it just because you hate it.

Breastfeeding is hard.  But not hard like running a marathon or carrying a king sized mattress up three flights of stairs.  It's hard like waterboarding a sleep deprived, injured, hormonal woman.  It's a mental game.  You read everything telling you that this is the best and really, only way to nourish your baby and you'll dread the sanctimonious looks (or comments!) from other moms as you shake that bottle full of formula.  And even if they only silently cast their judgement, you'll want to justify yourself and scream, "I tried!  I really tried!"  And every time you grab that little plastic scoop, you'll feel a pang of guilt and failure.

But the truth is, once you release yourself of that pressure, once you realize that it is not worth your sanity or the tears, it gets so much better.  You are not alone.  Formula is not going to doom your baby to a lifetime of half formed brain cells and a constant struggle to problem solve.  Your baby is going to be wonderful, if not better, for having a mother who realizes she can only be the best mother when she knows when enough is enough and when it's just not worth the heartache anymore.

Sleep Deprivation:

One of you will get to sleep quite well.

 

I thought I was prepared.  That's the first thing people talk about when you tell them you're pregnant.  "Oh, sleep now," they say.  "You'll never sleep again."  While that isn't true, those first few weeks are a complete nightmare.  Babies eat every 2.5-3 hours, for at least the first two weeks.  Your pediatrician may give you the go ahead to let your baby sleep 4 hours if they want to at three weeks.  But damn.  Sleeping, even in four hour increments, is rough, rough stuff.  It gets better.  I don't know if your body just gets used to it, or if you learn to sleep differently.  But it gets better!  Take a few deep breaths, pass the baby off when you can, and just get through those first two weeks.  It gets better.


Your baby is the best baby:
Everyone thinks their baby is the best baby.  Your baby is a special snowflake.  And when you have him in your arms, you'll realize, without a doubt, that your baby is the best, cutest, smartest, funniest, most charming baby that was ever born.  It's just the way it is. 

Jason and I both gushed the first time Ezra kicked his little legs to propel himself forward during tummy time.  So, so smart!  And when he rolled over for the first time at two weeks, I explained to Jason how simply amazing it was.  When he smiled for the first time, we both squealed and told our parents.  Even coming out with a full head of hair was the most amazing thing that ever happened.  And when I style it one way or another (I like to make him look like Rush Limbaugh), we force everyone to see and gush and tell us just how adorable he is.  Every accomplishment is a mountain climbed and your baby will be the best. 

Sanctimommies:
Strap on your boots, mommy!  When you encounter these gems, it's going to floor you.  If you thought, for one red second, that you have the right to parent your child how you see fit, you've got another think coming.  Breast feeding, formula feeding, baby wearing, front facing car seats, crying it out, pacifiers, daycare, cloth diapering, making your own baby food, sleep training, vaccinating, co-sleeping, crib sleeping, screen time, organic baby soap, baby sign language, Montessori education, public schooling, private schooling... chances are, you are going to meet a mom who feels so strongly about at least three of the items listed above, and she is going to accuse you of child abuse and imply that she is obviously a better mother than you, because she breastfed her baby until he was 2.  And sometimes they travel in packs!  Lay on the mommy guilt.  Every decision you make is wrong, and if you aren't walking around for the first three months with a baby strapped to your chest, literally trying to re-create a womb for your baby's fourth trimester, you should never be allowed to reproduce again.  Because really, how dare you?

How to combat this?

This is the look you should give a sanctimommy

Step 1:  Don't become a sanctimommy.  You are allowed to judge silently.  You're allowed to have an opinion about child rearing.  But if there's one thing I know about babies and children, it's that they're all different.  What works for one might not work for another.  As much as you think you've mastered the art of baby raising, you have not.  You're a jackass if you try to make another tired, hormonal, struggling mother feel guilty and like less of a mother.  Believe that everyone is doing the best they can and acting in the best interest of their kids.  Okay?  It's not hard.

Step 2:  When you encounter a sanctimommy, be unapologetic, but graceful--and disarm them immediately.  You don't have to justify yourself to anyone.  Have an arsenal of phrases at hand and be prepared to be caught off guard by someone with an unsolicited opinion.  Here are some that work for me:

"I'm glad that worked for you.  That's just not my style, but thank you."
"I'm not currently looking for a solution to a problem I don't have.  I'll be sure to find you if I do have a problem, though."
"I'm not one to debate my parenting choices.  My husband and I feel very comfortable with our decisions and aren't soliciting advice."
"That is an interesting fact!  I'm confident we could both search the internet and find a study to support our parenting choices.  I appreciate the advice, though."

Or simply, "No, I'm not doing that."

Step 3:  Don't be an innocent bystander.  When you see a sanctimommy, or worse, a pack of them, isolating a mom, intervene.  When you rip off that sanctimonious facade, you'll find just another insecure mom worried that she's failing her child--just like the rest of us.  Shut down those conversations and find a way to be encouraging to a worried mom.

Being a sanctimommy and engaging in mommy wars is one of the most damaging thing we women do to one another, short of that time that middle school clique stole your clothes while you showered after gym class in the 7th grade.  Don't be an asshole and don't tolerate assholes. 


Postpartum Recovery:
I cannot testify to cesarean section recovery as I did not have one.  But I did have one of the most horrific vaginal deliveries a person can have.  My mother in law reads this, so I don't care to detail my injuries exactly, but it wasn't awesome.

Peeing your pants
Alright--so you have no pelvic floor and won't be able to control your bladder for a while.  You'll get home wearing a gigantic pad inside of a gigantic diaper and you'll turn on the sink to get a glass of water or wash your hands or boil a hotdog, and the running water will trigger your bladder, which you have absolutely no control of, and you'll haul ass to the bathroom only to have urine filling your diaper.  Big sigh.  Quick shower.  Don't worry--in a week, you'll be able to make it to the bathroom.  In two weeks, you'll have your pants around your ankles in time.  Four weeks out, I still have to go to the bathroom before I get a glass of water.  Not sure when that will get better, but I'm doing my kegels. 

Tending your wound
Don't look.  Nothing good can come from looking.  Just wash with the peri bottle, spray that epi-foam, line your underwear with those tucks pads they give you, and don't think about it.  It's awful.

Romance after baby
No. 

Your Pediatrician Might be a Jackass
Alright, so you get home with this tiny wiggling baby, and everything is wrong.  There are no nurses to tell you what to do and the internet basically tells you that you've doomed your baby and he's probably going to die tomorrow.  Sweet.  So you call your pediatrician, panicked that his circumcision is still bleeding, or that he's crying and just won't stop, or that he won't eat.  His response?  "Ah, whatever.  Come see me in the morning."  And gives you an appointment time.

Actual conversation with my pediatrician:

Me:  We had such a hard night.  He's so stuffy and he cries all the time and It seemed like he was rubbing his ear.  Does he have an ear infection, you think?
Dr. Tact:  *rolls eyes*  A baby. does not. rub his ears if he has an ear infection.   And--we always check a baby's ears when they come in for a visit, so I'll always tell you if he has an infection.
Me:  Okay.  Well... he won't eat.  And I read online that sometimes babies get really upset and lose their appetite after they are circumcised.  Is that true?
Dr. Tact:  *rolls eyes*  Does it really matter?  Your job is to keep feeding him.  So keep feeding him. 


Alright, jackass.  I've been a mom for approximately five minutes.  Can you cut me some slack?  I spend the majority of my day in tears, trying to keep this tiny person alive.  Throw me a bone, I'm struggling here.  Can you be nice to me?  Jesus!


At least in my town, a pediatrician who accepts new patients is a miracle from the Lord.  So you might be stuck.  So you'll have to suck it up for the sake of your sweet baby who needs some silver nitrate rubbed on his gross looking umbilical cord. 


Daytime Television
It is kind of the worst thing ever.  Kelly & Michael are the most unintelligent people on television and I can't believe they actually have an audience.  Today with Kathie Lee and Hoda?  Kathie Lee is intolerable.  The View, The Talk, The Chew.  What people watch these shows? 

I suggest you illegally download all of your favorite shows now, because 6 weeks is a long time to have to endure Robin Roberts and Rosie O'Donnell. 

Month One
Motherhood is terrifying.  But it gets better, or you get better at it, or you just get a routine that works. Whatever it is, I hope I remember these days fondly.  I hope I remember the first time he rolled over.  I hope I remember laughing as my husband changed his first diaper.  I hope I remember how much Ezra loved to look at the fan or the blinds.  I hope I remember the nights spent rocking my sweet baby, and watching him sleep.  I hope I remember the evening hours on the couch with Jason, were we remained awed by our son and thanked God to be here--recalling a year ago where we were desperately trying to conceive.  I hope I remember these days as they are: beautiful.