Goodbye 2015, Hello New Life

So much has happened since my last post (7 months ago!).  So much.  This year, has been a whirlwind. 

Jason spent much of the summer unemployed, the stress of which was hard on the whole family.  In September, he started a job that he really enjoys. We are still a one car family, and getting us both to work takes some acrobatics and a lot of driving across town, but we're making it work.  Ultimately, we're just so thankful that Jason has a good job.

Ezra is huge! A whopping 15 months! He started walking in August and hasn't slowed down.  This is such an amazing age, and I could just cry thinking about how much my baby has grown.  He is long, and spills over my arms when I hold him.  He has a personality and interests and likes and dislikes.  He's social and plays and finds things funny.  His first word was "uh-oh" at about 8 months and now he has a whole list of things he can say: mama, dada, hi, bye, oh no, more, and as of this weekend, gentle (as a result of beating my face in).  He loves cars and trucks, and especially when his daddy makes the sound effects for them.  Speaking of which, Jason must feel like a celebrity whenever he enters a room.  Ezra thinks his daddy is the coolest guy ever, and rightfully so.  Jason is an excellent dad.  He's always on the floor with him, wrestling, playing cars, hiding, chasing.  He will be 37 soon, but for Ezra, he has the energy of a 12 year old. I always knew I was lucky to marry such a great guy, but seeing his relationship with our son is all the visual proof I will ever need.

The other big news is!! I'm pregnant.  Not a little pregnant.  A lot pregnant.  8 months pregnant.  I was probably pregnant while writing my last post.  It's a girl and we expect her arrival in early February.  We are shooting for an Aquarius.  It's funny how your second pregnancy is so different.  There are no bump pictures, no counting weeks, no constant journaling, no appointment anticipation.  It's just so busy when there's a toddler in tow.  The aches seem worse, I'm infinitely more tired (without the luxury of naps whenever I want them and sleeping in all weekend), and the pregnancy seems never ending.  I think I've been telling people I'm 8 months pregnant for the last 5 months, but I hardly know for sure.

I'm so excited to grow our family, but if I'm being honest, I'm incredibly anxious.

Tonight, as I came up the stairs, I heard Ezra crying.  Normally I'd ignore it and let him settle himself as he always does within a few seconds, but I couldn't tonight.  I opened his door and turned on the light and he was standing, smiling at me.  Just as relieved to see me as I was to see him.  I held him and rocked him and in seconds, he was asleep on my shoulder.  But I held him extra long, cherishing these last weeks together.  I even got a little teary thinking that it won't be like it is for long.  I'm not worried about loving her, or loving Ezra less.  Of course I'll love them both.  I'm worried about those early days.  I'm worried about Ezra not needing me or wanting me as much.  I'm worried that I won't be mom enough for him--even if it's only temporary.  I'm worried about my first nights away from him while we're in the hospital.  I'm worried I'll forget this time, like he will, and that I'm robbing us both of this beautiful time we are having.  I'm worried that Jason has no idea how much I'll need him, and how much I'll need him to help Ezra to still love me. I'm worried I'm not mom enough, not wife enough, not strong enough for another baby. 

But I also know it will all be temporary.  Just a few weeks until baby is sleeping, and we have a routine, and a new life.  

Even though it makes me anxious and scared, I have to remind myself of the brevity and how millions of mamas are doing the same thing, and I'm not alone.

So far I have very few plans for this baby. I plan to breast feed/pump for at least a month, and then formula feed.  I think.  I plan to sleep train early, but I have no idea how that will work in our two bedroom home. I plan to take 4 months maternity leave, but maybe 5 or 6 if money will stretch.  I plan to have an epidural and there is no wiggle room there.  We have a name and some diapers and a few outfits.  But the rest is up in the air.  

So that's that.  Big changes in 2016.  We are anxious and excited and uncertain, but feeling so blessed.  How are we so lucky?